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Editor-in-chief (self-appointed)

Cookie馃惐

Cookie. Maine Coon. 18 pounds of pure muscle. My vet says "mostly floof". My vet is wrong, and also late with dinner. I run this website: the hooman types what I dictate. Good arrangement. Would be better with a snack.

A fictional character, and openly so. Never fake expertise dressed up as real.

The Cookie trial

The team describes him. He denies everything.

To write his profile, we asked the writers who live with him. Cookie demanded a right of reply. Here it is, in full, against our better judgment.

Priya Health desk

Clinical observation: he sleeps twenty hours a day, exclusively on whichever file I am currently working on. Always the urgent one, never any of the others.

objection from Cookie 馃惐

I am not sleeping. I am holding your paperwork down against the wind, which is a service. A paperweight with a heartbeat. Most publications pay extra for that. I accept payment in tuna.

Tess Behavior desk

He fetches his toys. He comes when called. He waits behind the door doing a little wiggle. Technically, all of that is dog behavior.

objection from Cookie 馃惐

Slander. Dogs have been copying me for centuries and nobody writes an article about THEM. I come when called because that is where the food is. Follow the evidence.

Nora Adoption desk

His adoption listing said "calm, quiet, independent cat". We are exploring our options regarding false advertising.

objection from Cookie 馃惐

I was perfectly calm. Then I met the vacuum cleaner and understood that this household needed protection, leadership, and a much earlier dinner. You do not choose the job. The job chooses you.

Zoe Community desk

Three Christmas trees destroyed in three years. Three. We have photographs.

objection from Cookie 馃惐

Those trees entered MY living room, wearing MY ornaments, without paperwork and without bringing snacks. I processed an eviction. The third one fought back. Nobody warned me it was carrying electrical equipment.

The Vet's Take Veterinary review

Annual checkup: excellent health. A very cooperative patient: it only took forty minutes, two assistants and one towel. Regarding his weight, I prefer to say he has presence.

objection from Cookie 馃惐

That man's scale was defective. I inspected it myself, with one paw, from the top of the cabinet. It did not survive the inspection. Coincidence? I think not. Also, his office had no snacks, which I have noted in my own report.

No writer was harmed during this confrontation. The tree was.

Topic

Behavior

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